HOW to COMMUNICATE WITH the CHILD?
Many parents do not think about this issue – communication happens by itself, they are happy and the parents and the children. While. But there are adults who have already realized the great importance of the communication style to the personality development of their child.
It is experimentally proved that if the baby gets good nutrition and good medical care, but deprived of regular contact with an adult, he develops not only mentally, but also physically: not growing, lose weight, lose interest in life. However, as food can be harmful and incorrect communication can hurt the psyche of the child, his emotional well-being and will subsequently impact on his life.
How to communicate with your child? This question is complicated and simple at the same time. Difficult due to our style of communication is influenced by many factors, most of which we are not aware. Experts came to the conclusion that the parent’s interaction involuntarily imprinted in the psyche of the child before school age. As an adult, a person plays it like a natural. Thus from generation to generation is social inheritance of the style of communication: the majority of parents raise their children the way they themselves were raised in childhood. At the same time, the way we interact with the child depends on the fashion in society at certain pedagogical ideas from our immediate environment – family and friends, from the style of communication between other members of the family, age of parents, from the conditions of everyday life, and from many other causes.
And still, communicate with the child. Because not always, but often this process brings joy. And that communication has always been helpful, and adult and child to parents, it is possible to use multiple rules.
Of course to adopt a child is to love him not for what he’s handsome, smart, capable, successful, aide and so forth, and just like that, just for what it is.
We often hear from parents is an appeal to the son or daughter: “If you’re a good boy, I’ll love you”. Or: “I won’t feel good until you cease…(lazy, rude, fight), starts (to obey, to put toys away).” In these phrases the child reported that he is accepted conditionally, that is, love, “only if…”. Conditional, the estimated relationship to the person is generally characteristic of our culture and embedded in the consciousness since childhood. The reason evaluative attitudes – the belief in the power of reward and punishment. Praise the child and he will be strengthened in goodness, will be punished and the evil will recede. But in fact it turns out that the more child abuse, the worse it becomes. Because education is not the taming, and the parents are not there to develop conditioned reflexes.
Unconditional non-judgmental acceptance is to satisfy a fundamental human need – the need for love, belonging, usefulness in another. This need is met when we tell the child, “it’s good that you’re born”, “I like You”, “I love when you’re home”, “I like to do it with you.” Similar to these reports and “dumb” forms of acceptance: the views, the gentle touch, posture, and gestures. Psychologists say that 4 hugs a day just they need for survival, but for good health you need at least 8 hugs a day! And by the way, not only the child but also the adult.
We do not always follow their appeals to children. And the kids literally understand such phrases as: “You make me bored to death”, “You’re always bothering me, How I’m tired”, “How happy we were young, before you were born”, “I gave up everything for you”.
The more often parents get annoyed at the child, scold, criticize it, the faster it comes to thoughts: “nobody loves Me”. Arguments like: “I care about you” or “For your own good” children can’t hear, because for them the tone more than words. Usually if the parental tone of voice angry, strict, the child feels bad, “” unhappy.
Does this mean that parents should never get angry at your son or daughter? No. To hide and even more to stash your negative feelings by no means impossible. Pay attention to
1. To show their displeasure at the actions of the child but not the child in General.
2. You can condemn the actions of the child, but not his feelings, no matter how undesirable they may be.
3. Dissatisfaction with the actions of the child should be systematic, otherwise it will grow into aversion.
Parents try to protect their child’s attitude to education, which results in requirements, criticism, reminders and notations, in the struggle for obedience and discipline. But discipline should not occur before and after the establishment of good relations, and only on the basis of them. The educational approach can be linked to the desire to compensate for their failures in life, not the realized dream or a desire to prove his indispensability or “the burden of parental duty”.
Another reason that prevents non-judgmental acceptance, unconscious emotional rejection. For example, parents are not expecting a child, he appeared in “wrong” time, or the baby is not the gender that was expected, or too hard was given birth and early days, or was born too painful.
How to determine whether we accept your child? Try to count how many times per day you turned to your child with emotionally positive statements (greeting, approval, support) and negative (accusations, comments, criticism), and compare the results.
And now for a moment close your eyes and imagine that you meet your best friend (girlfriend). How do you Express your joy? Is your child less pleased us with his appearance?
Now consider a situation in which your child is busy with something, but doing something bad, “not so.” Imagine the scene: the kid enthusiastically busy with mosaics. Not so fine: details are scattered, are inserted into the wrong holes, into which wanted to get the child, and the flower to flower not similar. You want to intervene, to help, to show. And now you can’t stand: “so and so”. But the unhappy child replies: “I wanted not. I myself.”.
In General, different children react differently to a parent is “wrong “, some grustnaya and are lost, others are offended, others are rebelling. Why children don’t like this communication? Because we are bringing the child to “ease” where it is difficult. Look at a year-old toddler who is learning to walk. Here it unhook from your finger, making the first tentative steps. He sways, the stress moves the hands. But he is happy and proud! Few parents will come to mind to teach: “Is this the way to go? See how!”. Or: “what do you all work out? How many times have I told you: don’t move your hands! Let go once more and as it should”.
As ridiculous criticisms addressed to the child who learns something. It is important to leave the child alone if he wants to do something himself and does it with pleasure.
Reads: don’t meddle in business that a busy child, unless he asks for help, his laissez-faire you will tell him: “are you all right! Of course, you can do it!”
If a child will learn something he immediately reaches 4 results:
1. knowledge or mastered the skill
2. training ability to learn
3. satisfaction and confidence
4. a positive and lasting impact on the relationship with parents.
We often focus on 1-th result, but more important than the other three. Of course, the question arises: “How can you teach if you do not specify the error. Yes, this is necessary. But the point should be able to:
1. not worth to notice every mistake
2. error it is better to discuss then, in a relaxed atmosphere
3. often the child himself knows about his mistakes, but he is satisfied that thatgood job and hopes that tomorrow will get better.