Mom, I’m pregnant!. How to decide to tell about the pregnancy. The advice of the psychologist
“Mom, I’m pregnant!” Why women are so often afraid for the first time to say these words? If we are talking about an unmarried young girl is still somehow can understand. But why such a fear of experiencing adult women, who have everything in order, have a loving husband, a separate apartment, and the child (first, second, third, fifth…) — they are waiting with joy?
The situation says the psychologist Alla Hwang.
It is noticed that in today’s society, today’s women are really sometimes there is fear of motherhood. Motherhood is not really fit to the values of this society: self-realization, career, achievements… the Future of motherhood begins to be perceived boundary between normal life and the life where all the popular values seem to be unavailable.
Against this background, the fear to admit the mother in pregnancy is quite understandable. But he himself is in some sense just a shadow. And figure that the shadow gives is actually a need to support the mother and a lack of confidence, she will get it.
Before the older woman, the mother helped in childbirth, took the child, washed, taught young how to feed, she remembered, as did the same for her mother. Modern women somewhere inside, in the subconscious, there is a neediness in this experience, in order that mom said, ” don’t worry, I’m here, everything will be fine.”
Today, in more traditional cultures and families where preserved the continuity, — each family has many children, and none of those thoughts that talking about pregnancy is scary. Where third, and fourth there, where the fifth is, there sixth. This is normal, natural and harmonious — the birth of a child.
In modern society, indeed, with the birth of a child, the woman will have to drastically change your life. And she wants to count on my mother’s help.
But mom — their doubts, their expectations from her daughter. Often she does not want the daughter I stayed home and was a housewife. As a rule, modern mother sees her daughter a modern woman, successful, reaching career heights. And not every mother approves, when my daughter wants to make a stop at this or even turn away from the “correct” way. Hand on heart, “unsuccessful” daughter deprives the mother of the opportunity to consider yourself “successful” mother.
And then turns out to be unimportant, the first Lee child expects a woman, or second or third. She begins to worry that mom would say, “what a disappointment! Why would you do that now. You will miss the chance to move forward, to succeed.” Most interesting is that someone’s mother and not say in the end, but fear that I will say — still remain. Sometimes this happens because the daughter did not have experience of unconditional acceptance mom.
So, pregnancy, wittingly or unwittingly, is perceived event that can ruin a life or irrevocably change her…
What was natural and taken for granted: “Pregnancy is not a disease”, is now sometimes perceived differently. And if a woman is “solved” on the third, the fourth — she seems or heroine, or who is not in his right mind. In any case, the solution looks a bit extravagant.
Who is responsible for what?
When the helpline on issues of unplanned pregnancy call women expecting the child (again, not important — first, second or sixth) their fears are especially understandable if they live in the apartment my mother, dependent on her financially or the one watching the child. In such cases we are discussing with callers, where whose responsible for what. It’s true no one has repealed a rule of life “Whose responsibility, and authority.”
If the woman takes on this responsibility, it is easier to build a dialogue with my mother. She can say, “Yes, mother, I understand that you’re tired. I really appreciate your help. But I will not kill my baby…” Further it can be quite a business conversation about how it sees its responsibilities that will do for this child. And then it turns out that the story is not about money and not about square footage.
When I listen to the callers to us on the line about her fears and doubts as finally to inform the mother, at some point I notice that she talks and thinks just like a daughter, and not as a future mother. And it turns out that the same woman thinks, feels, and even sounds differently depending on who she now realizes, careless daughter or a mother.
Changing priorities: what is really important to her, what she thinks is right for herself and the child.Gone baby resentment and fears, appears patience, wisdom, gratitude. She will be able to start a conversation with his mother and this may be already a dialogue, finding solutions, not recriminations and accusations.
What happens to the mother
When between close friends, there is a voltage, it would be better to understand, what’s wrong?
It will not hurt to be careful and see what is really going on with mom. It is clear that she has her own troubles, worries. May be, including, and selfish fears, here it is, an old, sick woman. She secretly hoped that everything was settled, she did everything he could, and now may be sure that grandchildren grow up. And now the situation is changing. And mom can’t admit to yourself internally, and to say, “I’m worried about you, poverty will aplogise, she will be left without work, will turn into an old woman, educate the kids can’t”.
And, maybe, my mother’s picture about what should be the life of the daughter does not coincide with reality and the perceptions of daughters.
Or she’s used to more or less control over the daughter, and suddenly the situation got out of control and she’s just scared. People sometimes control other not from malice, but from a certain distrust of life.
It is likely, mom is really scared, or lonely, or she lacks attention.
How to talk to mother about pregnancy
The helpline is often call the girl and say, “I’m afraid to tell my mother about the pregnancy.” Begin to figure out what there is to fear. It screams, scandals, sometimes formulate: “She’s gonna kill me!” When I ask them how they think they will feel their mother after this news, the girl looked deep.
At some point they suddenly realize that nothing bad will happen, well, you just yell mom to strong emotions (not the first nor the last time), and in General, it is not strange, is this form of love and care. This awareness helps them to relate to what is happening as a phenomenon of nature, “the storm in early may,” for example.
Waiting for the predictable reaction, it is possible to prepare a glass of water, heart drops.
It is important to feel confident. Because only calm assurance will be a setback for the development of the conflict.
If the conflict continues
We proceed from the situation, when you want to keep peace in the family. The main thing is to talk to them by showing that the mother is dear to you. “Mom, I see that you’re worried, nervous. You are so important to me and important to me, so we can hear each other. Understand that this is not a fad, it’s our baby and it hurts me when you…” That is, the rule is simple — do not ignore each other’s feelings and his too.
Resentment and the blame game is not exactly propel you. You need to look at the situation does not look hurt girls and women that knows what is this all for, for which she fights, which is building a peaceful and kind world for your baby.
If the mother is upset due to objective reasons, for example, due to the fact that daughters health problems, it is especially important to show that you are able to take care of their health. To tell mom what doctors had been consulted under supervision what is going to occur. Here-back to the law: “Whose power and responsibility”.