How to Be Friendly With Older Children
What prevents to build such relations, which are valuable for both parents and children? Let’s try to understand this from the point of view of the psychology of relationships .
First things first: since I’m talking about adult children, let’s define some terms: who is an adult? If your child’s mental development is normal, in 18 years it is perfectly normal to supererogate (separated) from the parents! He unconsciously preparing themselves for adult life and independence.
Instead enjoy such adult child, parents start to behave just the opposite: panic, throw tantrums, start fighting for is still important (for them) the place of a parent in the life of a son or daughter.
Dear parents, please understand that your children don’t belong to you. They are not a thing, not your property, they are completely separate and independent from you personality. It is difficult to understand, it requires courage and boldness.
Once you have given birth to their children. Have you ever wondered why? After all, you gave birth to them for their own enjoyment. You wanted to be touched by them and to meet their needs in motherhood and fatherhood. What does your children? so why, even when they are already 18, you continue to want to see their young? You still want to have control and power over them. Not selfishness?
Also realize that your adult children is a reflection of you. Yes, Yes, I think some are ready now with me to join the debate. But it’s true. If you don’t like how your kids behave, look for the reason within yourself that you have given them, not so educated, not so treated them?
Responding to a question posed by me in the beginning of this article, I want to say: if you are questions to ask yourself, the answers will be found – it would wish.
What prevents good relations between children and parents
I as a practical psychologist, believe that one of the most important obstacles to cooperation and friendship with children is our fear. What parents are not afraid! It cheated, somewhere will get, the wrong people will trust and not be able to kill, rape, etc. Whose fears? Well, certainly not children.
Parents are strongly discouraged their children made mistakes. But how will they be able to know about life, if not through experience, through overcoming obstacles and making mistakes?
The second thing preventing it is a stereotyped way of thinking. Parents somehow think that their children will remain children forever. From this conclusion and they are building their behaviour: care for them until their death, in control of, is considered the right to dictate and specify, to advise and push.
We, the parents, did not seem to hear our children, “sit tight”, deciding inside ourselves once we’re smarter, more experienced and know how to respond.
No, don’t know. We rely only on experience, but this does not mean that our children would have the same life as us. Why would they want to live our lives?
Third, this misconception parents that children are their property and therefore they are entitled to do with it what pleases parents.
As I mentioned, children do not belong. We are in this life as an example. Up to a certain age we invest and share their values and attitude to life. After 18 years, children are already independent adults and are able to make a choice (assuming that they do not depend on you, for example, living and learning at your expense).
We have no right to keep the children around them. This is our problem, if we get bored, scared or we don’t believe in them.
Fourth, this is a distorted understanding of Love to their child. You know, if parents really loved their children, there wouldn’t be so much hostility in parent-child relationships. Excessive custody, control and authority to harm children. There must be a reasonable limit. We must not forget that children are individuals and they are worthy of exactly the same attitude as adults.
And when a parent takes a haughty arrogant stance, unless your son or daughter can’t feel?
Many parents simply satisfy their need for power and, taking advantage of the helplessness of the child, suppress and humiliate human dignity. Unless this is the power and wisdom of a parent? Attacking the weak? Only he who himself is weak.
Fifth, parents do not pay attention to their personal problems ( and in Russia, there is nothing to hide, violence, aggression, cruelty, rudeness in abundance) and blaming their problems on children. Instead of us to seek help, many of the parents took the position of the Prosecutor. It doesn’t help. It only further estranges children.
Sixth, it is a violation of personal boundaries for your children. Despite the fact that children under a certain time live with you ( and often already and separately!), parents continue to manipulate older children already. For example: “You left me(a)!; You don’t need a mother (father)!; You owe me today to help, I don’t care what you’re doing!; Come immediately!” etc.
Your children have a right to independent life, they are right to make yourself a schedule and follow it.
Seventh, it is a simple inability to TALK. Here I can only say that the communication should be to learn. What position we occupy in conversation with children ( and indeed, with other people) usually? The goal in the mind of the majority is to win! But it is impossible with such a position to have a dialogue!
But in dealing with children happens all the time ( it’s so scary, if the son or daughter will see our weakness!).
I’m sure about it yet to say. But if someone think about what you read, it will be a big step in building a friendly relationship with your children.